So twenty four hours have passed since my last sad little post and I just wanted to redress the balance. The illness I suffer from (or my biological makeup whichever theory you prefer) is recurrent brief depression. All it means is that I hit lower lows than most but thankfully I have learnt that they are brief, mostly only lasting 24 hours or less. My mood sinks and all perspective is lost. I am currently taking a very low dose anti depressant for the first time in years just because I recognised back in January that the depression was lingering longer. I don’t aim to stay on them long term and I am determined not to up the dose. I am starting to feel more comfortable in allowing myself to feel the lows and sit it out, I am discovering its often my body needing to let go of unhealthy feelings. Hard to do with children around but as I am trying to raise them to be emotionally healthy, I feel its an incredibly valuable lesson to learn. When we feel bad in todays society its all to easy to distract ourselves, medicate with shopping, alcohol, the internet but are we actually dealing with the feelings? The feelings have to go somewhere and in order to be at peace we have to let go of them rather than suppress them.
I was in pain about letting go yesterday, letting go of the past of embracing the future and I was confronting overwhelming shame. I have been a hoarder every since leaving home and amassed a huge amount of objects that signify home to me, these things have started to overwhelm the house and in particular I have always had a problem with clothes. The clothes have in turn become a burden as I lost weight which I have now regained and having got rid of my large wardrobe I was left with nothing to actually wear. Not only did I feel shame for the hoarding but also failing in keeping up the healthy lifestyle I loved.
Yesterday I made a start and there is an enormous pile of clothes awaiting bagging, with more to be added. I have decided to keep the items which are too small but meaningful to me as I hope to one day return to a smaller size. In the meantime I will embrace a more ‘baggy’ style of dress, thus ensuring I’m never left with nothing to wear whatever size I end up! letting go of the idea in my head of what a home looks like, letting go of how I used to look, letting go of feelings of shame, self neglect, bagging it up and making room for a much more positive life, one which allows room for my favourite things but also for us all to breath.
I get there in the end I just take the longest most painful route.